ADHD and me

"ADHD is for naughty boys that don't do well in school" I'm almost ashamed to write down what I thought ADHD was last year.

I had no idea what ADHD was, or that it might apply to me and explain why I had spent my life going from one emergency to the next.

The thought of ADHD, came completely out of the blue. Talking with my family over Christmas, it became clear that we are not your neurotypical family. All of us have our own quirks and doing assessments, we found that my parents and my two brothers scored highly on autism assessments. My autism quota was pretty low, but not neurotypical, looking at the ADHD screening, I was really shocked to see that the test recommended following up with a formal assessment.

What followed was a deep dive into ADHD, I read ADHD An A to Z by Leanne Maskell and watched the TED talk Finding your Gold by Katie Friedman and I found that so much of my life made sense with an ADHD lens on.

My symptoms are diverse and act in different parts of my life to a more or a lesser extent. I struggle with switching off from work, my attention drifts, and I cannot stop fidgeting. My attention is interest and novelty focused, give me an interesting problem and I will solve it, quickly and in a detailed fashion. Tell me to write an essay on how I solved it, and you're going to have to chase me.

I was a highly gifted child early in life, but with no awareness, I only scraped through in higher education. Based on the advice of others I chose a degree I had no interest in and (shock horror) I barely got through with passing marks. When I got into work, I found myself hyper-focused, see a problem, fix a problem and that's how life went. Gaining a reputation as someone that could be dropped in and resolve issues as they came up.

So then it came to diagnosis, everyone I spoke to in ND communities said self-diagnosis was valid, but for me it wasn't enough. Every time I mentioned to someone that I might have ADHD, when they found I didn't have a diagnosis I got the comment "well, everyone is a bit ADHD these days aren't they?"

NO THEY ARE NOT

I appreciate the intention, the desire not to exclude people. But I feel excluded all day, when I don't have the capacity to join in with group conversations, being all or nothing.

I'm not looking for sympathy, in my mind, a disability should be seen as value neutral. I am both better and worse off than my neurotypical peers, it's part of me and it doesn't make me less.

Getting a diagnosis is easy right?

I took the easy way with diagnosis, I have both the means and inpatience that meant I could bypass my local NHS GP. I love that we have an NHS, but with waiting times, the dubious referral and the coordination of getting all of that. I wanted it to be over.

Even then, the process of diagnosis is not friendly to folks that struggle with organisation - exactly like those with ADHD. I had a friend recommend Clinical Partners as they had done the background research and been assessed.

Signing up with clinical partners was straightforward, I called up, answered questions, organised a time.

Once I'd handed over my money, I had 4 weeks to complete 3 more screening questionnaires and I had to get another person to complete a questionnaire about me.

Then the assessment itself, it was originally scheduled for 2 hours and began at 9 am, I was so worried about missing the call that I started it 15 minutes early. I worked with a very kind and calm doctor, who talked me through the process and told me that it was fine to get up, walk about, ask questions and generally be myself.

Before we began the assessment, we had to talk through why I was seeking assessment, why I didn't use the NHS and if it was really ADHD or if it might be something else. Some of my traits are on the autism spectrum, some are a result of childhood experiences and my doctor worked with me to talk through before we began. This took over 90 minutes.

We then spent another 2 hours going through all the criteria, talking through my experiences both in adulthood and childhood, can you remember if you fidgeted in primary school? I definitely couldn't and it took some skilled questions, the doctor was very respectful but it was incredibly draining for me.

There is a term in the neuro-divergent community called unmasking, this is where you stop pretending to be someone else and answer honestly. Stopping this, thinking about who you are and not answering with the normal misdirect is incredibly tiring.

At the end of the diagnosis, it came the point of results. Going into the session I thought I would be either over-reacting, or marked as the inattentive form of ADHD. I actually scored high in both Hyperactivity and inattentive, I did not know how to react.

I'm still not sure on my next steps, medication may be next but I am still learning what that means for me.

A lot of people have expressed shock that I have ADHD, that I have been successful in life. I have had to fight myself everyday for the success that I have had and I still carry on the fight. Now that I have a diagnosis, I am still learning what this means but it gives me more tools for the fight ahead.

If you think you have ADHD, do you research, it's not a life sentence and there is so much support out there.