ADHD and me, again

I am coming to an end of my engagement with my ADHD coaching (that is me being coached) and I wanted to write a reflection on where I am, compared to where I was post-diagnosis.

The format is very different from my other work so it may not be for you, and that’s ok.

Content warning: references to self harm and violence (metaphorical)

ADHD and me, again

I didn’t know that when I was born, I had a twin inside me.

Another me, another person.

That person was ADHD, they were petulant, emotional, impatient, loud and easily upset by others.

I had to keep my twin, my ADHD, my other me from being seen by the world.

Less they judge me for the actions of my twin.

I had to tie them up, keep them quiet, berate them and rail at them for not being good enough for the world.

I had to be tough where they were weak, and keep them from being discovered.

I had to chivvy them along and make sure they made the grade.

But then I realised that ADHD was not my twin, I hadn’t realised that ADHD was a part of me all this time.

That I had been holding myself down under the water, unable to breathe and unable to be me.

I stopped hiding my ADHD this year and it has been hard.

It has been hard to be told that it’s just a fad, that my ADHD is not severe, that I don’t really count because I am “high functioning”

It has been hard to be told that I’m not exceptional, that only having ADHD and not a high IQ mean I’m not worthy of care.

It has been hard every step of the way and it has been hard to take my own hands from around my throat and let me talk for myself.

But there is hope now.

I do not see my ADHD as a point of shame anymore, I do not see it as a failing, or as a missed opportunity.

I release the fears and the judgements of the past, I forgive those who saw only the behaviours and not the need for someone, anyone to provide help.

I am looking forward to the future these days, I am not standing on my own needs and wants anymore in fear of others.

I am able to do incredible things with my hidden twin, with my ADHD, I am able to connect deeply and to understand.

I am an advocate for justice and I forge the future through my connection with other people.

I am not a super chicken, I do not have superpowers and I reject the concept that a label makes me less than what I am.

I am a central hub, I am that warm centre of my own little universe and I welcome you to join me here.